Did I Say That?

There are things that I say.

These things I never expected to say.

Motherhood.

It does it to us.


There is something about this phase of life:

the unexpected reigns.

The following is a presentation of phrases that have passed my lips 

through the means of motherhood

over the past month or two.

Prepare yourself for...

reality.

"I know the baby's teeth are sharp. 

That's why you shouldn't put your fingers in there."

"I don't need to be reminded that I am on a diet every time I eat anything.

I still have to eat something, you know."

"No, you may not have cookies and pizza for breakfast.

  Do you live here?"

"Why did you wait until she had unrolled the whole roll of toilet paper 

before you informed me that she was playing with it?"

"Yes, you may go out and walk in the mud puddles with your boots on;

no, you may not roll in them.

Why do you ask me this?"

"Why would you poke holes in this tray of meat?

Would you like it if I poked holes in your dinosaur's head?"

" 'It's all gone' means that there is none left.

Crying does not make plates grow more food."

"Please, put my strainer back.  It is not a fish net.

You're making me nervous the way you keep looking at it."

"Where did she get that pen from?

How long has she had it?

Where did she go with it?"

"It would really help if you spoke English when you are crying."

"Why is there a calf horn in the bathroom?"

"No, you may not have my gum when I am done chewing it.

No, washing gum does not make it clean."

"Why is my toothbrush wet?

Never mind.

  I don't want to know."

"I'm sorry you lost your earth worm; 

stop crying;

there are lots more of them in the ground.

I just hope you were outside when you lost it."

"I am tired of tripping over a train in my kitchen."

"Why is this dirty when you only wore it for a half hour,

but then when we go to the grocery store and you get out of the car,

there is barn dirt all over your jacket?"

 

"Why are you opening the door to the gas tank?

When I said 'Get in there,' I meant get in the truck.

Did you actually think you could fit in the gas tank?"

"Please, don't hold the cat upside down.

I don't think he likes that.

Would you like it if somebody...

oh, never mind.

Just leave the cat alone, please."

"The dog is not a horse.

Please, do not try to ride or sit on him."

"The cat is not a pillow.

Please, do not lie on her."

"The fish are not whales.

Please, stop feeding them like they are."

"I really think you are getting old enough

that I shouldn't have to tell you not to bite your toe nails."

"Why is it that when I say,

'Go play in your room,'
you are done playing in there after 3 minutes;

but when I say
'Go clean your room' 

you are in there for 2 hours?"

"Just because the snow has melted and the sun is out

does not mean I am getting your pool out today." 

"Why is my permanent marker in your room?

Please, tell me it has not been in here long."

"No, I don't know how Captain Hook used the bathroom. "

 

 

"Why would you LET the cow lick you?"

"Who is the person who gave us TWO recorders? 

I do not like them anymore."

"No, you cannot sleep with a salamander."

"It would really help if everyone sang the same song

at the same time

at the same speed."

"I am not responsible for keeping track of your sword or your alligator."

There's a monkey on the porch.

"I'm sorry you missed the tornado going down the tub drain.

No, you may not take another bath right now because of it.

There will be more tornadoes for you to see next time."

"Just because you said 'Please' doesn't mean you can have my last bite of icecream...

Well,

unless you give me a kiss on my cheek

and tell me that I am beautiful."

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