Of Broken Bull Pens and the Pacifier Question.

There are times in life when you feel like you've bit off more than you can chew.

Or maybe a better way to say it would be

 that you feel like you can't chew all that your mouth has been served.

Do you know it?

You know, that feeling of taking a way-too-big bite of that

 home-made hamburger,

complete with lettuce, tomato, and pickles

strategically placed between a fresh burger bun

giving it the thickness of a shoebox.

Delivering that first bite,

you feel temporarily amazed that you were able to actually achieve

 that massive bite without the whole thing

collapsing under the magnitude of its own enormousness,

and then somebody you barely know

 asks you a question

and all eyes are turned on you.

You do the pointer-finger-up: would-you-please-wait-for-the-next-half-hour

-while-I-try-to-chew-this-impossibility-up-

and-attempt-to-look-like-I'm-completely-under-control.

And then, to your horror, the tomato slides out of the massive hamburger,
 perpetuating a messy situation.

 Sometimes, that feeling translates over into life.

The crazy thing is,

it's the little thing that makes the hamburger collapse.

Things you know full well don't really matter,

but all the same,

their magnitude in the situation seems to drown out all sensible thought.

What's bad is when it's someone you love that makes the 

horrendous heap of frustrations come crashing down.

And there you are,

a clump of mayo, mustard, ketchup,

and a severely disfigured pickle

dripping down the front of your shirt,

and then the tears start flying...

or the words.

I had told myself that I was going to write a thankful post

because I hadn't written one in so long

and because I just felt like I had so much to be thankful for:

too much.

And then the hamburger bun came out,

and the hamburger was created,

piece by piece.

It had actually started several days before,

but I pushed it aside.

It's funny how those ignored things seem to reappear and build

when the hamburger bun comes out:

dental expenses not covered by insurance,

rising gas prices,

a favorite recipe gone bad,

potty-training mishaps,

an unexpected interruption,

a low weight for a butchered cow,

a heavy weight for a pig nobody seems to want to buy,

more bills, less money,

a fight with the spouse about a misunderstanding,

a pen coloring on the recliner...

(again),

and then that afternoon the bulls broke through their pen.
 

and my Farmer had to work on fixing it late into the evening,

making him miss his daughter's first vocal special at church.

But all of that was buckled up and taken,

tucked under the arm and carried,

like a brave soldier who has successfully passed through a lengthy battlefield.

But when the question came up of Lillie still having a pacifier,

me,

the one who has to deal with the whining, grumpy, motor-mouthed child

while trying to keep another five year old entertained 

and schooling a nine year old,

also making sure the continually more insane dog gets outside

and then let back inside every five minutes

 so he can pace some more before he wants to go out again,...

I felt the quality of my decisions as a mother were being questioned.

Dumb, I know,
but in that moment
with the several comments I had gotten from others about that very thing,
that is how I felt.

I lost it.

All the anger erupted like a volcano,

my words came out,

my husband received them,

and I slammed the dishwasher shut,

ignoring the distinct rattle of the unsuspecting dishes...

until I remembered that my favorite creamer

that I had used for my new blog header

was in that dish washer.

I peeked in,

seeing shattered pieces of dishware on the bottom of the washer

and my heart sank as I lifted my favorite creamer,

now in three pieces.

How could I let myself get so angry?

What was the use or the point?

My heart sank in utter disappointment.

This pitcher had been a favorite prize of a yard sale find.

Now I felt angry frustration at my own stupidity.

But what does it take?

What is the solution when the anger seems to burn?

Can I still sit down and try to tap out my thankful list,
even when I don't feel like it?

Can I dump the pacifier perturbance

and forget the break-out bulls?

I read a quote on facebook yesterday
and it smacked me hard:

"It's not happy people who are thankful,
It's thankful people who are happy."


Instead of focusing on the frustrations,
I need to fight feelings with gratitude,
immerse my irritations in indebtedness to the all-knowing God
who only gives me what I can bear
because He wants me to learn something from them.

And so I wipe the hamburger drippings from my shirt,
dab the napkin to my lips
and turn to face the many things I can give thanks for:

 61.  I am thankful for unexpected visitors that wander across our yard,

bringing excitement to the little people.

62. I am thankful for a line of birds enjoying the company of each other

on a damp, rainy day
(because an understanding companion through a hard day
makes the burden light).

63. I am thankful for new recipes to try

that turn out as good as they looked,

64. and old recipes that are a family favorite,

and turn out as good as they are supposed to.

65. I am thankful to live where we do
in the house we do
living the life that we do,

despite it's occasional difficulties.

66.  I am thankful for the Bible that never fails to give me the instruction

and the encouragement that I need.

67.  I am thankful for spring.

68.  I am thankful for little people conversation that make a moment full of glee:

Lillie: "Don't tease my Mommy, Daddy,"

Violet: "Mommy is teasing Daddy, Lillie.  It's not Daddy's fault."

Levi: "Lillie, she is my Mommy, too.  She is all of our Mommy."

Lillie: "No, she's my Mommy, Lebi."

69. I am thankful for the reality that even though our lives may be busy,

God is not too busy to spend the time blooming flowers.

70.  I am thankful for treasures long lost,

years later,

found while turning over the dirt in a flower bed.

Because God cares even about little disappointments;
and sometimes, He brings little joys just to remind of this;

just as He cares about lessons learned through broken bull pens,
shattered pitchers,
and the frustrations of daily life...

but if I can learn from them
He wants to turn them into
blooming flowers in the often weed-filled garden of my heart.

Linking up to a fun blogger who has great link-parties:

Debbie-debbiedoos.com: Newbie-party-reunion
Gnowfglins.com: Simple-lives-Thursday
Hiphomeschoolmoms.com